X-posted from MySpace

“You’re the blessed, we’re the Spiders From Mars.” He gracefully bends down to kiss her small white hand.

I read Angie Bowie’s book recently and loved it. Of course it was chock full of interesting stories but I think my favorite part was the way she always went out shopping at thrift stores and came home with new fabulous clothes for David to wear. His image was even more revolutionary than his music and made such a huge impression. The fact that she (and Cyrinda Foxe) dressed him gives her astronomical rock and roll credibility, if you ask me. She also did a tremendous amount of publicizing and marketing for him, which makes me so so happy I decided to pursue a business minor.

The first issue of Sunset Star is coming out soon, and I’m really excited and hopeful that it will gain a following. For my contribution I had to write about my relation to rock and roll, and it was hard to do because I’m trying to figure out exactly how I fit in. I’m less than a musician but more than a fan. I used to throw the word “groupie” around, but that always got misinterpreted really horribly. That’s a shame too, because the old school groupies were really hip and classy women who everyone wanted to be around. Nowadays, groupies are just starfucking sluts, so the legend is tainted. I know I don’t need a label, but it would just be helpful for explaining who I am. I guess the search continues.

I’m so fucking pumped to be going to SXSW with V Sparks in March. Even though I can’t afford tickets to see the main stages, it’s going to be fun barhopping around Austin and checking out all the unsigned talent. I just wish we could stay longer, because I have grandiose fantasies of sipping champagne in a hot tub at sunset and looking out over the ocean, but alas, it’s only a two-day trip. Well, I guess the other problem with that scenario is that Austin is nowhere near the Gulf.

Modeling has unfortunately been very discouraging lately, but I’m not giving up. It’s frustrating to not be taken seriously about my passion but I won’t let it get me down. The most important thing, I’ve learned, is to make the best out of a bad situation, and then figure out how to turn it into a way way better situation and make the best of that too. Positive thinking can change your life. Remember that.

Oh and I totally found my current new lifelong dream house of the week.



Except that it will be all post modern with furniture like this.



Yes I'll let you come over to visit.

I’m so unmotivated that it’s actually starting to get depressing.  When I want to be motivated but just can’t find the inspiration to be, that’s pretty discouraging.  I need a reason, a purpose, if I’m going to start something, and I don’t have one so I’ve just been watching a lot of South Park online. 

That’s why I went to LiveJournal, because I know that the homepage always has a prompt for people with writer’s block, and today’s prompt was, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love?”

It’s a really interesting question, and the truth is that I have absolutely no idea.  Love in itself is kind of confusing.  How many times have I been in love?  How many times can anyone be in love?  Is there such thing as a soul mate?  Can you fall in love repeatedly?  Can you learn to love someone over time?

More importantly, does anyone actually care?  No, not even me, so I guess I shouldn’t overanalyze here.  I think a much more relevant question would have been, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for a man?”  Because women are crazy anyway, and men are stupid, so when you combine the two together, shit’s totally gonna hit the fan.  Love is just a minor detail in that case.

I’ve had more crushes than you’d ever think was possible, and I always end up altering my behavior at least slightly in some weird, out-of-character kind of way so as to make myself more desirable and not cause any problems.  I don’t think that it’s a bad thing, and I think that pretty much everybody does it.  It’s normal, but I still find it interesting how people interact, always making efforts to please.  Then I look at old married couples who bitch and moan and pick wedgies in front of each other, and I sincerely hope that I will never change.  I don’t want to be that comfortable with anyone. 

So let’s look at some examples throughout my history when I did something that I shouldn’t have done, or did something that most other people wouldn’t do, or just acted like a crazy lunatic, all because of men.  (In rough chronological order.)

--I showed my “privates” to a neighbor boy because he wanted to see what girls looked like down there

--I cried for days when my third grade boyfriend dumped me

--I cited “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” as a reason for a breakup

--I gave up the possibility of easy sex because I feared mental infidelity

--I let someone take the best years of my life

--I told a guy to his face that I only wanted to be his girlfriend because it would make me look cooler

--I walked around for hours alone trying to get picked up by anyone in the neighborhood

--I deliberately put myself into situations in which I knew I’d be objectified by male friends

--I researched witchcraft to cast a love spell on someone I didn’t know

--I wrote countless insane love letters to a Finnish rock star in the middle of the night

--I almost(!) let a weakly disguised homosexual use me as a sexual cover-up

--I tried to organize a professional orgy

--I ignored numerous flaws because of my insecurities

--I made a complete ass of myself in pointless letters to various people who didn’t care

--I didn’t confront my boyfriend about having another girlfriend in Raleigh for the first few months of our relationship

Looking back, I guess most of that stuff is fairly normal.  Anyone can look back and ask themselves, “Wait, was that the right thing to do, or should I have handled it differently?”  But I feel like I handled each situation exactly as it needed to be handled at the time, and overall, I realize that most of my actions were totally and completely normal.

Some were batshit crazy though (witchcraft??).  And you know what, that’s okay with me.  While some of it totally sucked--namely the early heartbreak stuff, when the situations were hardly even real so all I was feeling was what I’d built up in my mind and my heart--I don’t regret any of it.  I’ve learned a lot over the years, particularly:

--Real boys are better than imaginary boys

--Everyone under 20 is a complete fucking moron

--Music is a bad excuse for everything

--Men are pigs

--I’m a crazy nutcase

So, to sum it all up...  I know I’m not the only one.