I’m still in denial over the fact that, supposedly, men these days are learning everything about sex from porn.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think porn is degrading.  I mean, let’s be honest, I probably like a lot of that degrading stuff.  It’s the examples of how to pleasure a woman and make her come that are so seriously fucked up and misleading.  So here I am, to the rescue, with instructions that will actually work!  For a real orgasm!  Not one of those fake ones that all the porn chicks have!

First of all, it’s all about the clitoris.  That’s how women have orgasms.  That porno you saw where the dude drilled away at some girl’s vagina for five minutes and then she screamed at the top of her lungs and squirted a gallon of clear stuff across the room?  That was fake.  Girls don’t have orgasms that way.

Whatever you do, do not start poking and jabbing at her clitoris right away.  This will cause discomfort, especially if you slide back the clitoral hood at this point, and you’ll probably fuck it all up before you even really get started.  I can’t speak for all women, but if I get too much too soon, then forget it, no O for me.

Tease her.  Before she even opens her legs, run your fingers up and down her bare thighs.  Use your nails, but very lightly.  Tickle the crease where her thighs meet her pelvis and run your hand above her pubic bone.  After a few minutes of that, occasionally bump your hand ever so slightly against her outer lips, almost like it’s an accident.  She’ll start going crazy, spreading her legs.  Keep doing what you’re doing, even once her legs are open.  But now, start focusing more on her outer labia, and when you do the accidental bumping, graze over her clit.  Each time you touch it, it’s like a jolt of lightning up her spine.  She’s dying for you to start rubbing it, but you won’t.  You just tease and tickle, playing with her outer lips, her inner lips, and oooh, there you go, now you’re starting to tease that clit a little too.  A clitoris is delicate, so be gentle.  Nudge it around, slide your fingers over it, run them up and down along the sides.  Breathe warm or cold air on her.

When she’s finally ready, spread her wiiiiiide open and get her clit all good and wet.  Then start rubbing it softly.  A circular motion is generally your best option.  If she can tolerate it, pop her clit out from under the hood.  Make sure you start with very wet fingers, working her up to faster motions as your fingers dry and create more friction.  But not too much friction.  Ouch.  Rub her clit in a circle, soft and fast.  Soft and fast is key.  It’s a very small movement, just one finger either moving her clit around in a little circle or actually sliding around on her clit in a circle, as long as the finger is wet enough.  This video is a perfect example. 

http://xhamster.com/movies/366196/alyson_hannigan_look_alike_has_nice_closeup_orgasm.html

You know what rocks?  Oral.  Start out the same way described above, with slow teasing, licking and stroking the creases of her thighs, her outer and then inner labia, up and down the sides of the clitoris.  Once she’s good and worked up, spread those lips apart and get that tongue flicking.  The easiest tongue movement is side to side.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t feel as good as up and down does.  Try your best to stick with up and down the majority of the time.  Or if you can swirl your tongue consistently in a circle, oh my god.  Gently, gently, gently suck on her clit, slurping it up into your mouth and making teeny tiny little tongue flicks on the tip of it.  She’ll probably start grinding on your face, which means this is awesome, and does not mean start mashing your tongue into her with reckless abandon.  Keep on flicking/circling your tongue soft and fast over her (probably but not necessarily) exposed clit until she comes, which you’ll be able to feel because her clit will change from being tense and hard to getting all squishy and spasming away from your tongue.  Here’s an example of how to play and tease it.

http://www.xhamster.com/movies/1256367/amazing_clit_licking_close_up.html

What about penetration, you ask?  She probably doesn’t need it.  I mean, the clitoris is a literal ball of pleasure sensors, whereas the vagina is a tube that babies come tearing out of.  But if she asks, or if you just like to, stick one or two fingers in her and curl them upwards, toward her belly button.  Push up into her and start going hard and fast.  Hard.  And.  Fast.  The same rules do not apply to the inside of the vagina as the clitoris.  Do it hard.  Fingers curled up.  Okay, good.

So, let’s focus on the orgasm.  When she starts getting close, do not change what you’re doing in any way.  Not even slightly.  Even the most minute change can ruin it.  That is, unless you don’t want her to come yet, in which case back off, cool her down by fanning or blowing on her, get your fingers/mouth wetter to reduce friction.  Here’s the tricky part.  She’ll probably say something like, “I’m coming,” or, “I’m gonna come.”  These phrases could either mean, “If you continue to do exactly what you’re doing right now, I will soon have an orgasm,” or could also mean, “I am beginning to have an orgasm right at this very instant.”  Unfortunately, it’s probably impossible to know the difference.  I try to be clear, but that’s not always at the forefront of a woman’s mind when you’re totally rocking her world with outrageous pleasure.  So, let’s hope she’s having an orgasm right now and YES!  You did it!  You’re a total stud!  However, it’s not over yet.  Do not stop the instant she starts coming.  Keep up the same motion for the duration of her orgasm.  Otherwise, it will be cut short.  As the orgasm subsides, slow down and ease her out of it.  Give her some cute little kisses or caresses down there.  Nuzzle her pussy and get your face wet.  Then lie next to her in bed and hold her in your arms.  She’ll love you forever.

You’re welcome, men.

I'm writing about another topic, like the one below, where I'm essentially saying that I've suffered from judgment that is the opposite of the judgment that most other women feel. In this case, it's related to sex, and previously, I wrote about body image. However, I want to clarify that what I'm writing about now is, in my opinion, a way more serious issue. Being criticized for being skinny sucks, but it's not something that's devastating for me. What has been consistently traumatizing throughout my life is being criticized for not being promiscuous enough. This is serious shit I'm talking about now. Before, I was casually suggesting that it isn't only hard to be fat; skinny girls get criticized too sometimes. Now, I'm fucking demanding that we stop suggesting that girls only feel pressured to be virginal and save sex for marriage. Stop it. Immediately. While this may be the case for some girls, it's certainly not a universal experience. Asserting that girls are pressured to repress their sexuality is so unbelievably hurtful and insulting to girls whose experiences mirror mine.

I read this story on Jezebel a little while ago (http://jezebel.com/5884154/my-sex-number-is-one-and-hes-my-husband) that finally reflected the pressure I feel, which is the exact opposite of the pressure that every other woman and girl on earth seems to feel. I get so fed up with all this talk of the pressure on women to be virginal. Maybe it's just my experiences based on my socialization, but I've always felt pressure to be the complete opposite--to be a big slut, having sex with as many men as possible. Growing up, "slut" was a compliment, not an insult. It meant that you were cool and boys liked you. Even now in adulthood, when cliques and high school popularity cease to be an issue, there is still an expectation to be living the single life, not tied down, free to sleep around and pursue highly casual relationships with many different partners.

That's why it was so refreshing to read this true story on Jezebel, about a woman's experience of having only one sexual partner her whole life. She didn't actively set out to achieve this goal. She simply stayed in love with and ultimately married her first serious boyfriend. But she, like me, faced the constant pressure to be promiscuous and felt villified for her decision to choose love over meeting this sexual expectation. There was none of this "purity myth"* bullshit in her life. Everyone around her was having lots of sex--men and women alike--and she was the odd one out, looking like a boring old prude.

I really felt for her, because I can relate. I didn't intentionally find my soul mate at such a young age. It just happened. Now I'm constantly feeling judged because of the fact that I've only had one partner for the past three years and expect to never have another. Some of my friends and especially the media exemplify this ideal of a highly sexual, independent young woman, exploring her sexuality and living a more fulfilled life because of it. I don't have that opportunity. I wish I did, but only because of the pressure; it's not really a genuine desire within me. I just want to stop being judged, feeling like I'm the only one who's not putting all kinds of notches in the bedpost.

That's why I was so glad to read this story. Maybe the author and I are the only ones who are clueless about this pressure to be pure, but it sure is hell is something that I have never felt. I've only ever been pressured to have a lot of partners, and since I haven't and won't, I have to figure out how to come to terms with that. I don't want to be looked down upon just because I found a good guy sooner than most women do and thus gave up the possibility of being promiscuous. It's not fair.

*Not trying to knock Jessica Valenti, because I think she's brilliant. I just can't stand the assertion that all girls are told to be pure, when plenty of us are told the opposite.

There's been an incredible influx of Facebook posts about how skinny chicks are gross and only larger ladies (or, realistically, average-sized ladies) can be attractive. As a skinny chick, this is something that I find rather troubling. Aside from the fact that it's hurtful to me, I don't see what positive outcome it can accomplish. It's just reverse prejudice. Society's beauty standards make bigger girls feel terrible, no doubt, but I don't think the solution is to shame skinny girls. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty much the most vengeful person in the world, so I can see why a big girl would want to "get back at" a skinny girl. But, sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself if revenge is really appropriate. The message we need to be promoting is that women can have a variety of different body types, and that no one single body type is the most attractive.

I like being thin. It makes me happy, and I'm not going to let people shame me for it. I also would never say that a more voluptuous girl was unattractive for having curves. But the "real women have curves" mantra is really othering, making us curveless girls feel lesser. And that's not cool. I don't have curves and I'm pretty sure I never will. When I gain weight, it only gives me a big, round belly. When I lose weight, my belly flattens out. The rest of my body stays the same small size regardless of weight fluctuations, and that's my reality. That's what's "real" for me. Gaining weight doesn't give me boobs or a butt; it only gives me a paunch. So the idea that us skinny girls are somehow less attractive, unreal, or in need of a big sandwich is pretty rude, because we can't necessarily control our body types either. I can't.

I really need to amend the previous post with an acknowledgment of the sexist nature of the Miss/Mrs. labels. I am fully aware that labeling a woman according to whether or not she's married is totally backwards. I've heard that, at one time, prefixes used for men made this distinction as well, but I don't know whether or not that's true. What I do know is that labeling a woman by her status in relation to a man is sexist and demeaning. However, it's a symptom of the patriarchy that I embrace on a personal level. I agree that it's wrong, but I enjoy being referred to as "Miss" because I enjoy being an unmarried woman. I want everyone to know that I'm not married, because I'm proud of it, so I use the term. It's one of those societal pressures, like wearing high heels and makeup, that I happily conform to and partake in. I think it's okay to recognize that a situation isn't ideal but still see the fun in it and embrace it, while acknowleding what's wrong with it. That's why, as I said below, women can make their own choices regarding their last names, although I may find their choices bothersome.

I'm going to write about feminism and last names. Names are very personal things, and I don't mean to offend or upset. Everyone should be able to choose the name they want (I did) and feel free from judgment. However, it is my opinion that the fact that women still change their last names after getting married is truly fucked-up and frightening. Why any woman would do that, I just can't understand. I suppose maybe she really hates her family, and I guess I can sympathize with that. If a woman wants to get rid of her last name, marriage is an easy scenario in which to do so. But I can't imagine why most women (with normal familial relations) would ever allow themselves to be subject to this identity change, shedding their own names to be blanketed under the name of their husbands' families.

Hyphenation was all the rage when feminists first started complaining about this, and it was a step in the right direction. Now, though, we should be past that. On the contrary, I still see it constantly (albeit, sans hyhen--just an extra last name tacked after the original, which I guess is more fashionable). Unless the husband adds his wife's last name to his own, it's still totally sexist. Why should I be Mrs. Jones Smith when my husband is just Mr. Smith? I can totally hear the hypothetical woman rationalizing the decision, trying to give herself props for being progressive while still submitting to antiquated, misogynistic traditions: "Well, I'll still have my own name, so I'll totally be independent and empowered. But I'll use my husband's name too, so he doesn't get his feelings hurt. Plus, I don't want to look like a radical!" It's a cop-out, a way for the bride to feel like she's doing right by womankind while still avoiding being a troublemaker, challenging societal norms. Fear of being one of those women, women who don't conform to the patriarchy, is truly depressing to me, because it seems like fighting to end sexism should be something all women (and men) aspire to and engage in. But it's way too common to play the part of the sweet little agreeable girl, never causing any friction and placating her husband's butthurtness over the fact that she doesn't want to label herself with his identity. So she "kind of" takes his name.

The only semi-reasonable argument I've ever heard for women to want to change their names (besides the aforementioned family hatred) is wanting to have the same last name as the children. I get it--you want to sound like a nuclear family unit. But isn't that when you should jam the two names together? Either both parents decide to take the two names, or just give the kids the two names. That way I can be Mrs. Jones and my husband can be Mr. Smith, and all our kids can be adorable little Jones Smith babies.

I don't mean to insult anyone. Women can make their own choices about their names. I'm just of the opinion that name-changing and name-adding are ridiculous and wrong.

The Problem with Dreams

Many years ago I realized and took to heart the practical advice that you can never count on someone else to make your dreams come true. It will simply never happen. First off, that’s way too much of a burden to put on someone. Not to mention, nobody cares that much. They’re too busy with their own dreams. The sad truth is that some of us—most of us—were born into situations where personal failure is ultimately inevitable. Some opportunities will never be afforded to us. My only goal in life is to be a socialite in the rock and roll scene, but that can never happen due to three main circumstances.

1) I don’t live in New York City, and I’m unwilling to sacrifice my comfort as is necessary to endure the higher cost of living.
2) Being a socialite requires socializing, which is something I loathe, fear, and am generally incapable of.
3) There is no more rock and roll scene.

People have criticized my lack of effort toward realizing my dream, despite the above obstacles, but the truth is that I’m a very ambitious person. What I lack is creativity and an ability to problem-solve. Had I a brilliant idea for accomplishing my dream, I would pursue it relentlessly. But, in the ten years that achieving “rock and roll socialite” status has been my only real ambition, I’ve never had a good enough idea to pursue long-term. The Blue Jean Babies was the best I came up with, and we had a few good years. We were definitely recognized as #3, after the Plastics and the BBA’s. We had magazine interviews, and we would have been featured on E! had we lived in closer proximity to one another. But somehow, the momentum died. We were heading up, up, up in establishing our presence, and then we disappeared. So, that didn’t work out either.

I’m starting to think I need to reevaluate my situation and find another way to be noteworthy. I’ve always denounced anywhere other than Chicago, New York, or L.A. as places people go to die inside, but maybe I don’t need a big city since I’ll never be part of a big social scene. Maybe what I need is to have adventures—constantly experiencing new and different things that people might find to be of interest. Would anyone read a book about my life, even if I never achieved any level of fame or status, but had some cool stories to tell?

My only other idea is going to Exit every single night for the rest of my life until they recognize me.

Let's talk about parents of young children and how they're some of the most self-absorbed assholes on the planet. If you've ever read the blog www.stfuparentsblog.com, you definitely know what I'm talking about, although even those of you unfamiliar with the blog have probably experienced similar agitation in situations where parents talk about their kids like they're the most important people in the world. There is an unmistakable tendency among parents to assume that all of society should be immensely concerned about their children at all times. Just look at the popularity of those enraging "Baby On Board" signs. Tell me I'm not the only one who wants to run those minivans off the road whenever I see those signs. Where does a parent get the nerve to announce to everyone else that their car is special and deserves extra protection because there's a miniature version of a person inside it? How could anyone be so arrogant as to think that all the rest of us give a damn? The other day I was at a craft fair downtown, and from behind me, I heard this angry mother snap, "You're pushing my son, lady!" I so badly wished I had known if she was directing her bitchy comment at me, because I would have whipped right around and yelled, "Is there a problem, you stupid fucking cunt?" Why this emphasis, as if her son was so much more important than everyone else in the massive crowd of people? Newsflash, I don't give a shit about your kid. Your kid means no more to me than anyone else on the face of this earth. At the grocery store the other day, a mom was digging through a sale bin outside while her toddler was inside, leaning against the automatic door and looking out. I was heading inside, so I slowly, slowly, slowly approached the door, waiting for the kid to move or for the mom to notice, but I guess I inched too close, and the door opened anyway. The kid didn't get hurt, but he did get pushed backwards and looked pretty stunned. I felt bad because the kid was obviously too young to understand automatic doors, but this oblivious mom who wasn't paying any attention to her little troublemaker had the nerve to give me a dirty look! Oh, yeah, I forgot, it's totally my fucking fault for not going out of my way to cater to your moronic child's needs. I should have just waited another 15 minutes for him to stop drooling on the door before I decided to go inside to shop. Seriously, I don't get it. I can't understand this mentality of parents thinking they and their kids are more important than everyone else and should get special treatment. So let me put it in really simple terms here: Parents, I don't give a flying fuck about your stupid, worthless children.